Oh what you need

4 weeks

I know your home is on fire with things that you've done wrong. Cause I live there, too.

This week I gave someone permission to fail. Which may sound funny, I know. But hear me out.

Recently a good friend of mine had the courage to tell me that I'm too hard on my family. She validated me and my experiences, reassuring me that she believes I've had my fair share of crap thrown at me (not really her words...). But she reminded me that people will fail. People will fail in horrible ways. I fail others, too.

So this week I gave up the fight. I finally accepted that someone has failed me.

I had long ago given up my anger and bitterness. I believe that if you're upset with someone, it's best to go directly to them. I crave reconciliation and closeness, so I'm willing to have the gut-wrenching conversations. But I can't make someone else do the same thing. So I took what I long for, set it outside, waved goodbye, and shut the door.

Finally saying goodbye feels like death. I am grieving.

Promises

I love my doctor. She's wonderful. And the best thing she did for me before I left the hospital was to take my hand, look me in the eye, and say "Be kind to yourself." Thanks, Dr. Bell. This list is for you:

I promise to not go another day without painting my toenails
I promise to ask for help
I promise to sleep when I can, as often as I can
I promise to pause often, to enjoy this time, because it will pass too quickly
I promise to take deep breaths
I promise to let things go

My beautiful girl.

This one was taken in the hospital shortly after she was born.

Because it's been too long.

Need to get back to blogging. I'm so sleep deprived, but I'm very very happy. Life is beyond wonderful right now. And I'm very proud of the fact that I've managed to shower every day. Go me!

Seamonkey is seamonkey no longer! She's here! And she's healthy and beautiful. And seriously entertaining. This girl makes me smile and laugh every day. And she smells unbelievably good.

Two SERIOUSLY ENTHUSIASTIC thumbs up for

Caramel Apple Pops. Yay for the Halloween candy aisle at Target!

Subject: today

Where you at? I left you a very harassing voicemail this afternoon. Who wouldn't want to respond to that immediately?

I had my interview this afternoon. It was very short, only about 19 minutes, which I figure means one of two things:

1. They already know they want to hire me, no discussion needed.
2. They'd already chosen someone else before I even walked in, no discussion needed.

I really should be an analyst. Or a dude. Which reminds me, I asked Ben tonight, "Are males just simpler than we think they are?" To which he responded, "Much simpler."

Hmm...think I'll go lie down and analyze that.

Shrink-out.

Ben recently discovered Disney films on YouTube

Melissa: So how was Sleeping Beauty?
Ben: Fantastic. I don't blame you for having a crush on Prince Philip. He's pretty hot.

Melissa: I know, right? Like when he slays the dragon. You know, you're a lot like Prince Philip. Like my real-life Prince Philip.
Ben (ponders this): Actually, more appropriately, he's a cartoon Ben. Off to watch Aladdin.

I wonder how my life would have been different

had I ended up left-handed. I started out left-handed. But then my first grade teacher forced me tor write right-handed. I'm not entirely sure why. Was she worried I'd end up a social outcast? Was she OCD, picturing a future for me in which I'd forever have ink smeared across the bottom of my hand? I don't know. But it would've been cool to be left-handed.

Feeling ambitious.

Next up: carrot cake and red velvet cupcakes. Though not at the same time.

How could I not fall for a guy with "Bust a Move" on his iTunes playlist?

Yes, I'm absolutely crazy in love. It's fantastic. I don't remember when this thought hit me, but I remember looking at JD one day and thinking, "What is this feeling?" And I realized that it's something I haven't felt before -- true happiness. Just pure contentment. I marvel at it every day.

Fishcat.

She's really helpful when you're trying to get some work done.

Is it because I'm pregnant? Is it the change in weather?

I don't know what it is, but I have this urge to bake. All the time. It's somewhat intimidating, though. Feels much more scientifically exact than cooking -- at least with cooking you can adjust as you go along. With baking you're stuck with whatever comes out of the oven.

And I've learned that I can't bake cookies. There's something about them that eludes me. Either they come out raw or as really good substitutions for hockey pucks. Both my sister and friend Katie (excellent cookie bakers) have tried to teach me to bake cookies. It's just not meant to be, I suppose, like my abruptly ended piano career. *sniff*

So tonight we're going with banana muffins. Yummy.